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Monday, July 10, 2006 

How NOT to act like an idiot at in a Poker Room…

I realize that for some this may not be possible, and that’s okay. If your intent is to in fact be a douche bag, that’s entirely your right. Have at it. However, if you would rather not be classified as “mentally challenged”, I offer to you the following thoughts:

  • When you approach the poker rooms front desk/reception and they ask “Can I help you?” don’t respond with, “I’d like to play poker please”. No shit Sherlock. They know you’re there to play poker so don’t waste their time. Furthermore, if there’s a big white board or electronic display providing table and limit information, don’t waste their time by asking “What limits or games are you spreading?”. If the information is there, use it! The only acceptable inquires/statements should be as follows:
    • I’m looking for a (insert limit here) game. You can be proactive by providing your initials or first name. Don’t ask how long the wait is if there’s a list. You would do better by asking how many people are listed before you.
    • If the game you want to play is not available, request an “interest list” be created for said game.
  • When you sit down to the table, seriously, don’t frickin’ quote Rounders or any other poker movie. It’s been what, nearly 10 years? We get it, you watched the movie, fell in love with poker and you want everyone to know you’re the next best poker player around. Prove it. Suck out on the river, go all in…whatever, just don’t quote Rounders. Christ! Oh, and don’t fucking talk with a shitty Russian accent.
  • You’re welcome to act any way you like at the table. However, you have to earn respect. Be courteous of those around you. Don’t act like an ass. Just because television likes to glorify “the villain”, doesn’t mean you’re good enough to back up a shitty attitude. You’re not playing online, and you’re not watching T.V. Piss off the wrong person and you may find yourself in a situation you can’t talk your way out of.
  • Adhere to house rules and table stakes. I won’t go in to great detail on this. If you don’t know what house rules and table stakes are, you really should take some time to figure it out. In short, each poker room has its own rules and regulations with variations on what some might consider normal. Knowing the rules will keep you out of trouble and allow the action to continue.
  • Before you call the dealer an idiot…understand that YOU’RE the idiot!
  • Tip the frickin’ dealers. My god! Just because you’ve obtained the ripe age of 74 doesn’t mean the person dealing you the cards doesn’t have a mortgage to pay. The Casino sure isn’t paying them what they’re worth. JUST DO IT! How often? Every frickin’ time you win a pot, dumb ass! What if you win a tournament? TIP THE DEALERS. Seriously, it’s not that hard. How much? Don’t be embarrassed to ask. The floor or dealer would much rather answer this question than you not tip at all. Want to keep it simple? Just tip 10%. Everyone will be happy. If you’re not comfortable with this, tip what you feel you can be comfortable with. Just tip.
  • Don’t hold up the action unnecessarily. If you have a tough decision, do what you have to do. But the cards won’t change through osmosis. They’re the same cards the last time you looked down, unless your sense of recall is totally shot. In which case, you may want to re-think you’re game of choice.
  • Table talk is fine. Acting like an idiot is not. I think I mentioned this above, but it bears repeating.
  • Don’t throw your cards. Are you 6 years old? C’mon. I realize the male species has sudden outbursts…that’s fine. But throwing your cards at the dealer or fellow player will not win you very much respect.
  • Adult beverages? Sure, drink them all you want. Usually more money for the rest of us. But keep in mind, your drunken ass may not remember how you lost the money and ended up in the pokey with a busted lip and black eye.
  • There’s a fine line between bum and geek. If you feel it necessary to wear sunglasses, hat, hood, oversized coat/sweatshirt, etc. more power to you. But if you’re trying NOT to look like an idiot, this may not be the best tactic. Especially if you’re playing $2.00 limit. Sigh. And if you’re dressing like you’re looking for a GQ cover photo shoot, you’re going to come across as a pompous idiot. You may not be able to help that and that’s fine…that’s who you are. But just know, you look like an idiot. By the off chance you attract that one female in the room…awesome. Job well done sir…nice hand. Have fun paying for her kids “babysitting”.
  • And for the ladies. I appreciate that more and more of you are flocking to the poker rooms. Many of you are inclined to wear low cut tops thus flaunting your cleavage in hopes of distracting the opposite sex. That’s entirely fine.
  • Pay Attention! With you’re entire $60 bankroll on the line, you would think you might pay attention to the action. Don’t hold up the action, stop watching the game on TV long enough to act your turn. Tard.
  • Back to tipping. Not tipping your waitress/hostess will certainly not result in faster service. Have singles handy to tip with if you’re in tournament play.
  • Oogle all you want at the waitress (tastefully), she knows she’s hot but for the love of god, stop trying to get her to sleep with you. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but c’mon man…just go to the bar in front of the poker room. The women there are expecting you.
  • You’re A5 unsuited is NOT a made hand before the flop. Just an FYI. Sigh.
I’m going to stop there for now. I very likely could continue for several more pages. Have one to add? Lay it on me…


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I will take all of the above under consideration when I leave for Harrah's Metropolis (hopefully tonight).

I'll call you if I'm in the pokey.


Did someone play at the track this weekend?


Bloody...no call, no pokey?

BSN, that obvious, eh? Sigh

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